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John Haas's avatar

That first step from "Something"--the universe, cosmos, ground of being, whatever--to admitting it's "God" is a huge one. It changes everything--or should, and will, if we keep going. I was a young man, an atheist/agnostic, wrestling with questions as so many do, when one day at work it dawned on me, "I haven't admitted it even to myself yet, but I think I believe in God." I wasn't ready to embrace it though, and my next thought was "Put this aside until you have some time to go out to the desert [I was in AZ] and meditate on this, and then, if you still think so, you can admit it to yourself." It was an odd experience, in that I was confronted with layers of consciousness I wasn't previously aware of. But then I really felt that if I delayed, it would be a disaster, a betrayal even, of some kind. Anyway, keep going. It's an adventure, like any relationship, but more so.

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Marc Schleifer's avatar

What a powerful and fascinating essay Rachel. Read it at the beginning of the week and have been too busy to weigh in but have been thinking about it since. Can’t wait to listen to the more detailed conversation on the pod.

One thing that struck me though, and I have been chewing on this - I can’t help but feel that there is a big difference between “it wasn’t in the cards” and “it wasn’t in god’s plan for me.” I should preface this by saying (as I have often discussed with Damir), I was raised in a relatively religious family but actual belief wasn’t necessarily part of that. The religion part was more about the ritual, community and tradition (so that part of your essay indeed resonated), and hence I am not particularly a believer - but I feel that if there is a god, my personal ups and downs, the fates of any of us individually, the outcomes of the tiny details of our lives, are totally outside of god’s scope, who surely is concerned with much other, larger things of a universal nature, and has no “plan” for any one person or the other. While to say that something just wasn’t in the cards gets at the randomness of events in the “universe,” I don’t feel that that phrase in and of itself is incompatible with a belief in god. It just reflects the idea that (even among many believers) that god (if there is one) doesn’t care about us; which seems repeatedly borne out.

In fact I’d say - and don’t take this as an indictment or slight - that the idea that a thing can be in or out of god’s “plan” for any of us is a sort of anthropomorphism of god, a god invented by people to make them feel better about their fleeting, ultimately meaningless lives, to cope with its ups and downs - that it reveals a sort of deeper egotism or individualism that is, to my mind, closer to the post-modern liberal atheist’s worldview, a sort of human-centered godlessness of the sort that religious people criticize irreligious people for having. I think a godless acknowledgment of our own smallness and fleeting nature is by some respects almost more religious (I hesitate to say “spiritual” but maybe that’s the word I am looking for) than a worldview that imagines us as so important than an all powerful being is scripting out events for us. I personally think more peace can be found in anonymity and meaningless than some endless striving to fulfill “god’s plan for me” or the frustration to be felt if that “plan” seems to often suck. Whereas luck, that’s just random and can be enjoyed and appreciated.

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